Here are some of the things I did:

1. Watched Julie and Julia. Fell in love. Determined to buy that cookbook and make some of the recipes. Was inspired to write a whole blog post about it, but didn’t get around to it because I was too busy experiencing happiness. A blog entry might come later, after I buy the movie and watch it ten more times.

2. Bought (most of) Dylan’s Christmas gifts. He’s getting a t-ball set, a basketball hoop set for the patio, an aquadoodle floor mat, a bunch of art supplies (his favorite thing to do!!), the Ni-Hao, Kailan stuffed figures (the only thing he actually he asked for) and the Fisher Price Bike- although the last on that list I still have to purchase, because I couldn’t find it at the store. So this next weekend will be spent driving around until I can find it, or breaking down and buying it online.

3. Bought more beads. After I discovered that my local bead shop, while fun and funky, wayyyy overcharges for findings (like 300% markup), I returned the ones I’d gotten there, only to find out that they don’t give refunds. Only store credit. Still, I wasn’t going to pay three times as much as anyone else for findings. So I got store credit. Then I get an email telling me that they have a sale going on, so I end up with tons more beads for the money. SCORE. I’d bought this incredibly awesome “bitten” necklace, but it never arrived, and I was heartbroken. But now I can make my own version.

4. Tried out gin drinks. I made a classic martini, gin and tonic, and a tom collins. Discovered that I hate classic martinis (holy crap they’re gross), the gin and tonic is tolerable with a little lime, and the tom collins is freakin’ yummy. It left me wondering what people do with Vermouth, other than put it in martinis. Can you cook with it? I will have to do some internet research.

5. Bought a bunch of music on iTunes and danced for like an hour. All by myself. This is something that one must do every once in a while. Most people go out to a club to do this, but I have no desire to look like a drunken idiot in front of tons of people. So, I put on my favorite tank top and boyshorts, and do my own version in the privacy of my own livingroom. Which, really, is where it should be done. It was way too much fun.

6. Had a really long chat with Joseph. He had a lot to say. I am finally in the place where I can listen. It was good. I can’t really say much more about it, because…well it is what it is, and it would really be a whole book if I wrote it all out.

7. Made Millefeuille d’Aubergines And Chèvre Frais. It’s just a really fancy way of saying Eggplant and goat cheese. But it’s one of the best things I’ve ever made and I love it oh so very much. I never knew I could like eggplant, until I tried this recipe. It’s fantastic. I make mine in a glass bread pan and chill until firm, then slice it up one tiny bit of heaven at a time. My stomach is growling just thinking about it. Seriously. I would have taken photos but…

8. Determined to spend next year getting better at food photography. In fact, I’m just going to spend next year being incredibly creative. Soaking in it, until my fingers get all prune-y. This might even entail learning to sew. Might. I really want to make hand beaded bags. In fact, I want to just create and create and have this insanely creative Etsy store. With all these creations. I need to get a big white board and hang it in my hallway so I can write everything down.

9. Had an amazing chat with my uberfab cousin, Caroline. We have decided that we’re 90% the same person. We’re planning this Kafka-meets-Shakespeare photoshoot, and she’s already found the perfect location. We need to wait until spring for part of it, but I am going to be driving up to see her as soon as I can, so we can start making it happen. It’s going to be SO AMAZING.

10. Bought a GRE prep book. I have 9 months to get ready for the GRE and need at least a 1200. So I’m starting to study now.

11. Rejoined Spark People. I was looking everywhere online for some sort of database that could calculate my caloric intake and exercise output. Then I realized that I already knew where I could do such a thing! I discovered that I eat things that are really too high in sugar, and determined to work on that. (The walking is paying off though, because I wasn’t huffing and puffing nearly as much as I normally do on my walk to work this morning.)

12. Tinsel’d and De-tinsel’d my tree. Realized that tinsel is more fun just for a tinsel fight and doesn’t actually look good on my tree. So Dylan and I had a tinsel fight and OH MY GOD it’s still everywhere. Then I found myself wishing I was more of a neat freak. So Imma work on that.

That was my weekend! I didn’t get my paper written, but I’m doing that now. Well, after I finish this blog post, anyway. Besides, I have exactly 13 hours before it is due. Well, 12 hours and 53 minutes….

This is not to say, however, that I am not feminine. I am just not ruffles and curls and pink ribbons. I’m more the fuzzy handcuffs and wavy-red hair kind of woman. Not that I’m admitting to owning fuzzy handcuffs, or anything else that falls into that particular category. Although, on second thought, maybe I’ll be like Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored for a minute and just own that shit. Yes, okay, I admit it. I’m kinky like that. It makes me feel feminine and empowered and really I just enjoy it. (Sorry, mom.) I love the sultry sensuality that comes with being a confident woman. It’s just so damn sexy. Plus I can do things like cry during a movie and wear heels and not have to feel apologetic about it.

Anyway, I developed a strong hatred for all things pink pretty early on, and it was cemented in stone the moment my mother thought it would an excellent idea to have pink matching dresses made for Easter. For her, myself, and my two sisters. It’s like someone threw up pepto bismol all over the place. More specifically, all over the four of us. She had someone make them, and I know it still cost more money than she probably should have spent at that time, so I feel bad even talking about how scarred I am from that Easter. I was completely and utterly mortified, though, and still blush when I think about having to wear that particular outfit. Hopefully my sisters weren’t as scarred by them.

Then again, perhaps a scarring event is essential in any childhood, to cause a moment (or moments) of gratitude in one’s adult life that those moments of childhood are over. And let’s face it, we can all use more moments of gratitude. There is always a silver lining-even if you have to paint that shit on.

This being said, I have recently fallen in love with- dare I say it- handbags. I know. I know. I am now hanging my head in shame. But it’s true. There’s just something about certain ones that have absolutely captured me and make me wish that I was successful enough at photography to spend $250.00 on a single bag. Then, of course, I immediately feel guilt, because WHO DOES THAT, especially when there are starving children. Or Dylan’s college fund to add to. Or photography equipment to buy. Or…well, you know what I mean, internet. I know you do.

I never would have even ever been looking at handbags, anyway, had it not been for sites like ideeli.com or overstock.com. I went to overstock.com because my amazingly awesome friend Erin (who has fantastic taste) suggested that I go to that website to look for a light fixture for my mini-makeover for my apartment. So first I found a light fixture. Then they suggested a rug…and then a table…and then a…handbag. I found myself staring. Then, there was this urge that I’ve never felt before. Desire. For a bag.

I have always been the stuff-my-cash-in-my-front-jeans-pocket kind of girl. I think that time may be past. We shall see, though. Because despite the desire to own one of these gorgeously enticing handbags, my conscience will simply not allow me to do that much damage to my bank account.

Anyway. I’m going to go now. I’ve been shallow enough for one day. I also might have to spend some time thinking about why I so easily admit to owning handcuffs, but I feel ashamed admitting that I want an expensive handbag. Psychotherapy, anyone?

I had to un-follow a bunch of people. I was following too many photographers and I realized that looking at all of their work was not inspiring my own. Instead, it made me feel…claustrophobic. I don’t want to feel like I’m one of a million, when I’m one in a million.

I just like being outside the damn box, I guess. When I’m around other people’s creativity, it stifles my own. So I had to get away.

I’m also thinking about getting back to the stuff that is fun for me to write- sarcastic political and social commentaries. My blog gets a lot more hits (not that I blog for that reason, but it is nice to know that people like what I write), and I’m sure it’s more enjoyable to read than to hear me bemoaning the fact that I fell in love with….well, the wrong person, apparently.

Besides, love is just…love. Right? That’s what I’m going to tell myself, anyway. Repeatedly.

There’s this whole mess of health care stuff that is just WAITING for me to say something about. And, I want my son to read about this when he’s older and think WTF AMERICA because we were all so stupid about healthcare in general. They won’t be by that time. Because our kids are way smarter than we are. Or ever will be.

I hope, anyway.

Here’s the problem. I found the love of my life. Like, weak at the knees, can’t think about anyone but him, the kind where you just know, kind of love of my life. I can’t think about anyone else but him. I can’t even entertain the idea of dating anyone else, or seeing anyone else, or even wanting to. I just want him. That’s it.

Now, as Marlo would say, “this sounds like one of them good problems.” Only, it turns out that he’s not anything like the kind of man I actually want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I already made the mistake of jumping in on a feeling once, and I won’t do it again. He doesn’t possess those raw qualities that make a man into a real man, and I have serious doubts (given his recent actions) as to whether or not he will actually develop them, or simply remain a person who is driven by their desires and never commits to anything. Or anyone. The anyone in this case, being me.

So now I’m stuck.

I could list his faults, but I won’t. I’m just not feeling very mean or vindictive this morning (or any morning, really). They won’t change because I speak them out loud, and they’d probably make you not like him very much. I mean, you probably wouldn’t like anyone if I just sat down and listed their faults. So it’s really a needless process. Especially since he has a lot of good qualities, as well.

I’m faced with this dilemma. Do I just sit and wait, to see what will happen, or move on? The truth is, that he is the one for me, and I know this in the way you just know things. But, I also know that this doesn’t mean that it will work out, or that it is “meant” to be, in some sort of destiny designed fashion. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they are the right person for you.

I’ve always preached that who we are doesn’t change. We might alter our viewpoints in life- but a basically messy person will always be a basically messy person. A lazy person will always be lazy. A coward will always be a coward. A compassionate person will always be compassionate. These things don’t change, no matter if you switch religions or party affiliations. Even if they take a detour from these things in life, who they are is who they are. Or who we are. Or, who I am.

I’ve always preached that if you’re going to love someone, then you have to love them exactly as they are at this moment, if they never changed one iota for the rest of their lives. And thinking about this makes me want to scream and cry and run for the hills, hide in a cave, and never come out again.

I want a man who loves me and isn’t afraid to say it. Who wants me, and only me- and even if there is an occasional mind-stray, he doesn’t act on it. Who doesn’t fall in love with every woman who pays him the slightest bit of attention. I have had to be strong in my life, and while I didn’t want to go through the fires that have made me strong, it ends up that’s who I am and what I am and where I am- and I need someone who is strong. Strong of character, and strong of heart. A man who has ethics. A man who means what he says, and says exactly what he means. And, above all, a man who realizes that our lives are what we make of it, and sees every obstacle as an opportunity to overcome. He doesn’t need to be successful. Only faithful.

The petty things that so many women put on their “lists” are of no concern to me. I don’t mind doing the laundry, or picking up socks, or putting down toilet seats, or any number of inconsequential things that one could potentially quabble about when two people live together. These are things that really resolve themselves when two people are working towards the same goals and have equal consideration for one another.

Friday night brought heartfelt words- words that I thought I wanted to hear. Now I’m left with a decision- do I wait, or just move on? If he meant what he said, wouldn’t his actions back those words up? And how long do you give someone to prove to you that they meant what they said?

The thing is, I’ve long since rallied against this sort of society that wants results- well, now. I want it now. I want my microwave dinners that are ready in ten minutes, my fed-ex delivery that lets me have it next day, and my instant messages so I don’t have to wait for the mail. We all want it now, because we’ve created a life in which we can have it all. Now. Only, I’ve sought to remove myself from that mentality. I believe the things in life that are worth having are things we take the time to develop. I still write letters and send them in the mail. I don’t use a microwave to make dinner. I walk to work, so as to enjoy the world around me just a little bit more, and slow things down.

How long do you wait for the love of your life? How long do you give someone to prove their words to be true? His recent fatuous behavior has left much to be desired, and heartbreak in its wake. Do I wait or no?

There’s not an easy answer to this one, not for me. I just don’t know what to do. Just when I thought I might be ready to think about moving on, turns out I’m not. In a big way.

I’m in this crazy, mixed up version of my life, and absolutely nothing makes any sense right now. Will I just wake up and find out that this is all a dream? Something tells me no.

I’ve begun to wonder things I never wondered before. I feel like I’m in a twisted version of my life. I keep falling in love with people who are…even now, as I try to finish this sentence, all the words come to mind yet none of them make sense.

This post has been hovering in my mind for days, mostly because of an “I love you, but…” statement. Those statements are never good, because they are filled with the kind of cowardice that makes me unable to accept that particular brand of love. In my version of love, there are no buts. Either I love someone enough to give them my whole love and my whole life, or I don’t.

More tomorrow…

Tonight’s dinner- pasta, with broccoli and cherry tomatoes, and chicken, in a makhani sauce. Freakin’ delicious!! But I might have to invite some friends over to finish it off. I ended up with way too much. About twice as much as in the photo. And that’s after we ate.

Here’s a story: We were in the car, and I was complaining to a friend that men are pigs. I blurted out, “They’re just pigs!!” Dylan chimed in, “piggy, piggy, piggy!!”

Of course, we started cracking up, and I couldn’t even be annoyed at men anymore. It was too funny!!
I ended up buying myself a present: and after a few hours of putting it together, it was ready to go. I have actually been using it too. It was a great deal- it wasn’t that bad to put together, it has the basic functions that you want it to have, and it’s super quiet, a helpful feature for someone who lives in an apartment building. It was the best $140.00 I’ve spent in a while.

Then there was Indian food lunch- I couldn’t even finish half of it, but it was so completely the best thing I’ve eaten in ages. There was a mango lassi too, but I drank it so fast that I wasn’t able to take a photo.

I recently decided get back into beading, so I went to the local bead shop. I have some ideas for jewelry, as well as hand beading on some knitted scarves that I’ve been making. I also saw a tote bag that someone made and instantly had all these ideas for making something similar and beading it. This next year will be a busy one, filled with crafts- I’m planning on starting an Etsy store as well, filled with all sorts of my crafts!
Then I found a new comic book store downtown, and squeee!! I bought a couple new comic books for myself. I was very happy about it.
Finally, I bought a contender for my Danboard inspired project, starting in January. I really want to do a 365 project next year, to hone my focusing abilities. While I would LOVE to get my own danboard, they’re really hard to get your hands on. So I’ve been looking for other things.

Contender #1- Icebat. Icebat is an uglydoll, which I love. They’re awesome. I want to get a bunch of them and use them as decorative pillows for my bed. I know. I’m weird. But I accept that. Anyway, Icebat is also a glow in the dark version. Which could make for some very awesome photographs, don’t you think? Well, I do.

Some other very cool stuff happened this weekend, but I’m not quite ready to talk about it *just* yet. But, suffice it to say, things are looking up. Life is getting back to normal. Well, my normal, anyway.


P.S.- I apologize for the quality of the photos in this post, they were all taken using my blackberry or my webcam. Not very good on either count, but my point ‘n’shoot camera needs fixing. Or replacing. G11, anyone?

I love this look. This is the look he has when he’s engrossed in something. Tonight it happened to be a show on noggin, but he has the same look on his face when he’s reading a book or looking at pictures on my computer.

I hugged him close when he got home, even more than usual, after discovering that his father had cut his hair. Better him than me, I suppose, because Dylan is not a fan of haircuts. There’s the screaming and the crying and the scene that makes me feel like the most craptastic parent on the planet. But, they make him look like a little baby boy again. He came home, and he was my baby again.

No, I didn’t get any work done today. But it didn’t matter. Only he did.

Someone I know recently asked this question, and while I was appalled at how people chimed in, I wasn’t surprised. I was sad, mostly.

A sensible answer was “I wish them whatever I know they celebrate.” As there is more than just the Christmas holiday celebrated this time of year, this is the proper answer. I am not going to wish a Jewish person a Merry Christmas. It’s inappropriate, shows ignorance, and in some cases, can be downright offensive!

What strikes me with sadness are the people who claim that they are not going to shop at places who say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” To these people, I have just one thing to say- Get over yourself.

This country is not just made up of people who celebrate Christmas. Shops who wish their patrons a Happy Holidays recognize this. They are not trying to offend people who celebrate Christmas, as some seem to think. I think it proves just how self-centered those kind of people are, that always think that everything is about them. It’s either done to cater to, or offend, them. At least in their humble opinion. Except, um…no.

That’s not what this country is about. This country is about being free to live as you like, without being persecuted. Only people seem to have forgotten that. They’d rather make Joe the Plumber an issue. They’d rather have Sarah Palin speak at a bowling expo. They’d rather listen to the Catholic Church tell the world that “gay people will never go to heaven.” They’d rather do stupid, stupid things, like have tea parties, all in the name of their sick, twisted definition of patriotism.

Today, I am expressing my disgust for these kind of Americans. For their sheer ignorance. Get it through your thick skulls, America. This country is made up of people who celebrate Christmas. And X-mas. And Hanukkah. And Kwanzaa. They’re not doing it to piss you off, despite what you may think. They’re doing it because they live in a country where they are free to celebrate their cultural heritage.

Did you know that Christmas wasn’t even centered around- well, Christmas?

Here are a few fun facts to note:

• In ancient Babylon, the feast of the Son of Isis (Goddess of Nature) was celebrated on December 25. Raucous partying, gluttonous eating and drinking, and gift-giving were traditions of this feast.

• The Romans called their winter holiday Saturnalia, honoring Saturn, the God of Agriculture. The pagans of northern Europe celebrated the their own winter solstice, known as Yule. Yule was symbolic of the pagan Sun God, Mithras, being born, and was observed on the shortest day of the year. As the Sun God grew and matured, the days became longer and warmer. It was customary to light a candle to encourage Mithras, and the sun, to reappear next year.

• Huge Yule logs were burned in honor of the sun. The word Yule itself means “wheel,” the wheel being a pagan symbol for the sun. Mistletoe was considered a sacred plant, and the custom of kissing under the mistletoe began as a fertility ritual. Hollyberries were thought to be a food of the gods.

• The tree is the one symbol that unites almost all the northern European winter solstices. Live evergreen trees were often brought into homes during the harsh winters as a reminder to inhabitants that soon their crops would grow again. Evergreen boughs were sometimes carried as totems of good luck and were often present at weddings, representing fertility.

• In 350, Pope Julius I declared that Christ’s birth would be celebrated on December 25. There is little doubt that he was trying to make it as painless as possible for pagan Romans (who remained a majority at that time) to convert to Christianity. The new religion went down a bit easier, knowing that their feasts would not be taken away from them.

• And, let’s not forget the Natives of this land. Some of them celebrated Soyal. The winter solstice ceremony is is held on December 21st, the shortest day of the year. The main purpose of the ritual is to ceremonially bring the sun back from its long winter slumber. It also marks the beginning of another cycle of the Wheel of the Year, and is a time for purification.

• Christmas (Christ-Mass) as we know it today, most historians agree, began in Germany, though Catholics and Lutherans still disagree about which church celebrated it first. The earliest record of an evergreen being decorated in a Christian celebration was in 1521 in the Alsace region of Germany. A prominent Lutheran minister of the day cried blasphemy: “Better that they should look to the true tree of life, Christ.”

So, America. Before you go getting your panties in a twist because your local food market says Happy Holidays, take a teensy second to recognize the fact that there is more than just Christmas being celebrated in December. And some people, don’t celebrate anything at all.

December can be, after all, just another month.

I began to be more careful and thoughtful about what my status was, after it really started to get to me that some of the people I call “friends” were always using it to complain. Complain about their kids, or how shitty their lives were, or…you know. Whatever. Then there were others, constantly quoting Bible verses or inspirational quotes. Either way, it made me thankful for the “hide” option.

It got me to thinking. What does my Facebook Status say about me? I looked at my own profile, the things I’ve been putting out there for everyone to see. I decided I could do better than I have been doing. The world doesn’t need to know what I’m having for dinner, but I bet I could put a smile on my friends’ faces with more carefully chosen words.

I decided to take some time and go through the profile of each of my friends. To be honest, I was a little surprised at what I found. Taking the time to read each person’s most recent status updates, along with links and photos, really added depth to something that is so potentially shallow as Facebook tends to be.

I found something else unusual- despite my desire to pull honest, raw moments out of my fellow man, I found myself wishing that more people would take a moment before telling the world that they’re in a bad mood, or having the longest day ever at work, or that they wanted to sell their kids on eBay (which, I admit to having wanted to do from time to time). It almost feels as though Facebook has given us this curtain and behind that curtain, we can let all self control completely lapse and say whatever it is that happens to be on our minds without the slightest bit of thought as to what we’re saying, or how we are representing ourselves.

We were not rich growing up, but my mother always made sure that we were clean and presentable. She would always tell us that we represented her and my dad when we walked out that door. I suppose some of that still sticks with me to this day- and even extends to my online persona.

I represent myself when I post, and I work to remind myself of that. What am I saying about myself? I admit to giving in to super snark from time to time (especially around election time or whenever anyone brings up people like Sarah Palin), so I’m not guilt-free here. But are you saying things that will eventually drive people away? Are you constantly negative? Are you always bragging? We all go through rough times, and need encouragement; and frankly, Facebook has made it easier than ever to be involved in someone else’s life without actually spending time with them. Which is actually a little disturbing, if you really sit down and think about it.

What are you saying about yourself when you post a status update? I would encourage everyone to take a moment to think about that. I know I will be.

P.S.- enjoy the holiday blog makeover!